Two months ago today, Cora died in the womb. Two months ago today, we found out there was no heartbeat. Two months ago today was the worst day of my life. The following day was the hardest.
What do you put your hope in?
Earlier in the summer, before we lost Cora, the Waldo Canyon Fire raged out of control. My dear friend, Cliff Anderson, died of cancer, and then the horror of the Aurora shooting took place. My thought was, "Cora Lane's arrival will be one bright spot in this summer of darkness." She represented hope to me. And, when your hope dies, literally, what is left?
I think of the disciples when Jesus was crucified. He was their hope, and he died -literally. They had put all their stock in that guy. The kicker part is that he had tried to tell them that he would come back, that their hope would not disappoint. Yet, they still lost hope, they didn't remember his words, and if they did remember, some didn't believe it would happen. Imagine the despair they must have felt on those dark days between his death and resurrection.
My hope has been in the wrong things. -Husband, house, children, "happiness," adventure... It has been the kingdom and all its blessings, not the King, that I've desired. Do I believe that God will make all things new like he promised? Even if I do, the glory is in Jesus, not in the retrieval of what was lost. The objects of my deepest affections have been all wrong.
It may sound like I'm nay-saying my love for Cora. Fear not, I'm not condemning parental love or the desire to have children. Rather, I am recognizing that Christ alone should be my real hope. Christ alone should be the desired Jewel. In my heart, Christ alone should be the object of my worship, not the accouterments of a happy life. How many times I have sung "In Christ alone, my hope is found" and it hasn't been true!
Two months ago today was the beginning of my open heart surgery. The Surgeon reveals all the decay and cleanses it with the Truth. I'm still on the operating table and will be for a long time. There is much more work to be done.
"But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus, my Lord. For his sake, I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes from God that depends on Faith -that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead."
Philippians 3:7-10
6 comments:
GOD BLESS YOU BOTH ♥ V
so sorry for your loss
Uncle Josh
Wow. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart and the process of your intimate "heart surgery". We continue to pray for you both and your families.
Can't tell you what this blog has meant to Brooke and me. Joy and Evan, our hearts are always with you...our minds continue to think of you often...and our prayers continue to go up to the One who holds time in His very hand.
thank you for this post. your walk with God is so transparents and so real. thank you for opening your heart and sharing your pain and triumphs.
Most of us allow our hearts to rest on shifting sands of "should:" "she should be here right now; I shouldn't be experiencing this." Your heart has found solid ground, a much more stable reality to trust. I'm so very proud of you. Still, I hurt with you. And love you!
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