Lately I've been revisiting one particular Wednesday in my memory. It was the last day of Cora's life. I probably keep recalling it because I so desperately want to remember her as a live baby. Unfortunately, reliving the sweetness of that day always leads me to the inevitable disaster of the next. I attended a farewell party at First Pres that Wednesday. I pulled weeds. I ate Vietnamese food with my mom. Weird little things like that come to mind. I remember being so tired of pregnancy. My feet ached. I felt huge. I was huge. In the weeks after Cora died, I struggled with real guilt for having been so "miserable" in those last days of pregnancy. There's nothing like death to put mere discomfort into perspective. In retrospect, I would have endured the worst of aches and pains with joy if it meant getting to hold my Cora alive. If I had known she was going to die, I would have cherished every minute of being huge and uncomfortable with her.
Revisiting those days is like torture, but not ever going there is almost worse. I need to remember our daughter. Remembering her validates her life. She was a person and still is a precious part of God's creation in Heaven. She is a gem in His crown.
The song, "Jewels," has become our theme song for Cora Lane. Evan used to sing it -rather obnoxiously I might add- all through our dating and early married years. Seriously, for the better part of five years I was annoyed by this song! But, on the afternoon that my family and I sat around planning Cora's funeral service, it was the first song that came to mind. Its lyrics (which I had actually not really known before) rang perfectly true with ironic yet sweet clarity. He has gathered her to himself like a precious jewel, his loved and his own.
"When He Cometh" or "Jewels"
When He cometh, when He cometh to make up his jewels,
all is jewels, precious jewels, his loved and his own.
Like the stars in the morning,
his bright crown adorning,
they shall shine in their beauty,
bright gems for his crown.
He will gather, He will gather the gems for his Kingdom,
All the pure ones, all the bright ones, his loved and his own.
Like the stars in the morning,
his bright crown adorning,
they shall shine in their beauty,
bright gems for his crown.
Little children, little children, who love their redeemer,
are the jewels, precious jewels, his loved and his own.
Like the stars in the morning,
his bright crown adorning,
they shall shine in their beauty,
bright gems for his crown.
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