September 7, 2012
Sometimes fulfilling God's purpose for your life means trudging through the trenches of doubt, confusion, sadness and fear. I really cannot see beyond the dirty walls of this ditch. Imagine a World War I infantry trench. That's what it feels like in my heart some days.
I used to have such fantastical dreams of the glorious things God would call Evan and me to do in life! -Me and my tender-warrior-husband, hand in hand, changing the world for Jesus, cresting spiritual mountain tops and basking in God's blessing! Boy, what a reality check we've had! Could it be that following Jesus may mean wading into the dark, swampy valleys of pain and loss?
In the days just following Cora's death, I felt so betrayed (tricked, even) and hurt by God. I recall asking, "Lord, why are you hurting me?" He gently replied, "Joy, I was hurt." I cried, "God, I feel so betrayed!" He even more gently replied, "I was betrayed." And when I remembered that he was hurt and betrayed for me, I had no more words. It was as if he was just patting my hand saying, "I know. I know."
...But I wanted answers!!
Instead, he told me to be satisfied with his peace and presence. I'm not entirely satisfied with it yet -it's a daily process. I still cry out, "why?!" more frequently than I want to admit. (It's amazing the pressure I put on myself to be "better" already. It's been only six weeks!)
Looking back, I love how God didn't rebuke my bad theology, and he didn't slap my hand for blaming him or calling him a betrayer. He just said, "I know." He entered right into my hurt. At that moment I realized that he had hurt far more than I could ever imagine. And his hurt is the hurt that heals.