Sunday, September 16, 2012

The Hurt that Heals

September 7, 2012

Sometimes fulfilling God's purpose for your life means trudging through the trenches of doubt, confusion, sadness and fear.  I really cannot see beyond the dirty walls of this ditch.  Imagine a World War I infantry trench.  That's what it feels like in my heart some days.

I used to have such fantastical dreams of the glorious things God would call Evan and me to do in life!  -Me and my tender-warrior-husband, hand in hand, changing the world for Jesus, cresting spiritual mountain tops and basking in God's blessing!  Boy, what a reality check we've had!  Could it be that following Jesus may mean wading into the dark, swampy valleys of pain and loss?

In the days just following Cora's death, I felt so betrayed (tricked, even) and hurt by God.  I recall asking, "Lord, why are you hurting me?"  He gently replied, "Joy, I was hurt."  I cried, "God, I feel so betrayed!"  He even more gently replied, "I was betrayed."  And when I remembered that he was hurt and betrayed for me, I had no more words.  It was as if he was just patting my hand saying, "I know.  I know."

...But I wanted answers!!

Instead, he told me to be satisfied with his peace and presence.  I'm not entirely satisfied with it yet -it's a daily process.  I still cry out, "why?!" more frequently than I want to admit. (It's amazing the pressure I put on myself to be "better" already.  It's been only six weeks!)

Looking back, I love how God didn't rebuke my bad theology, and he didn't slap my hand for blaming him or calling him a betrayer.  He just said, "I know."  He entered right into my hurt.  At that moment I realized that he had hurt far more than I could ever imagine.  And his hurt is the hurt that heals.

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