Sunday, September 23, 2012

My Tantrum and The Victor

This was a hard week.  My guess is I've been stretching myself too thin and not taking enough time to grieve.  All the evidence points to it...I've been short, easily annoyed, slow to smile and quick to cry.  Grief makes me feel like a terribly selfish person.  Then I feel guilty for being selfish!

I think I need to be more thankful.  No, I know I need to be more thankful, more aware of the blessings in my life.  But, I really don't want to thank God for anything right now.  I don't want to give in and let him win.  It's like I'm a willful little child all over again!  If I begin thanking God for the good things it's as if I'm giving up on being sad over Cora or like I'm letting God off the hook for taking her.  I want him to know I'm still mad about it.  Sometimes I want to try to punish him by witholding myself -my love, my approval, my worship- from him.  What sin!  Am I God that I should judge his actions and attempt to punish him?!  Yet, this is what I do in my heart.  -As if I am anything that God would be less without me!  Ha!

So, I will breathe a big sigh and surrender.  God wins this battle in my heart, and I become his restored daughter once again.  

Jesus, forgive me.  Lord, thank you for:

-My husband who loves me
-My mom and dad who cling to your truth and encourage me with it
-Today's sunshine and blue sky
-The glorious fall weather and golden aspen leaves
-Our cozy home
-The wildflowers blooming out back (They're Cora's flowers.  I had given up on them, but they began blooming around the time of her due date.)
-The Weerasooriya family and how they've blessed me
-My mother-in-law who carries the burden of grief with me and sits with me in times of fear and sadness
-My Gracie dog whose cuteness ought to be bottled and shared with others who need to smile
-Students for my music studio
-Your forgiveness of my many sins
-The Grief Workshop and the people there who are walking through their own valleys of death
-Old friends, near and far, who challenge me to extend the same Grace that God gives me
-The prayers of saints around the world which have upheld us
-Music that speaks the language of the soul when mere words cannot express the depths
-Tears that are a meager meal but that satisfy and enable me to face the day

Thank you, my God, for you -the Victor.  You win every time.


Cindy said...

You speak in such authentic tranparency. I am just speechless. I just wanted to comment but don't know what to say. He is Victor. He will always win no matter what. Love you.

Rushika said...

readign this comment reminds me so much of how many times I have felt like I dont want to let God off the hook or that i want him to know I am still mad, and my hurts were no where close to what you're going through here. one thing that encouraged me is in understanding that the nature of God isnt like my nature. my resentment toward him usually stems from thinking he abused his absolute power by taking something precious away from me. If I had the kind of power he had my human nature would probably abuse that power. but God is unable to abuse power as he is holy. so then his intentions were pure as hard as it is to see them at that time. my mother when she lost her baby and was told by many friends to turn away from such a cruel God simply said 'whatever he does, I know my god is good' and its in that goodness that we can place our trust. he IS good. All the time. even when he doesnt make it clear to us why he did what seems so cruel. what you are going through is beyond anything I can understand and i will not pretend to be able to understand. it makes me mad sometimes to think God could have good intentions in taking away a gift or letting you hope so long and then snatch Cora from you - but then I realize I am seeing God as cruel and snatching as that's how us humans do things if we had the kind of control he has. he is not human. he is God. and he is good.