This was a hard week. My guess is I've been stretching myself too thin and not taking enough time to grieve. All the evidence points to it...I've been short, easily annoyed, slow to smile and quick to cry. Grief makes me feel like a terribly selfish person. Then I feel guilty for being selfish!
I think I need to be more thankful. No, I know I need to be more thankful, more aware of the blessings in my life. But, I really don't want to thank God for anything right now. I don't want to give in and let him win. It's like I'm a willful little child all over again! If I begin thanking God for the good things it's as if I'm giving up on being sad over Cora or like I'm letting God off the hook for taking her. I want him to know I'm still mad about it. Sometimes I want to try to punish him by witholding myself -my love, my approval, my worship- from him. What sin! Am I God that I should judge his actions and attempt to punish him?! Yet, this is what I do in my heart. -As if I am anything that God would be less without me! Ha!
So, I will breathe a big sigh and surrender. God wins this battle in my heart, and I become his restored daughter once again.
Jesus, forgive me. Lord, thank you for:
-My husband who loves me
-My mom and dad who cling to your truth and encourage me with it
-Today's sunshine and blue sky
-The glorious fall weather and golden aspen leaves
-Our cozy home
-The wildflowers blooming out back (They're Cora's flowers. I had given up on them, but they began blooming around the time of her due date.)
-The Weerasooriya family and how they've blessed me
-My mother-in-law who carries the burden of grief with me and sits with me in times of fear and sadness
-My Gracie dog whose cuteness ought to be bottled and shared with others who need to smile
-Students for my music studio
-Your forgiveness of my many sins
-The Grief Workshop and the people there who are walking through their own valleys of death
-Old friends, near and far, who challenge me to extend the same Grace that God gives me
-The prayers of saints around the world which have upheld us
-Music that speaks the language of the soul when mere words cannot express the depths
-Tears that are a meager meal but that satisfy and enable me to face the day
Thank you, my God, for you -the Victor. You win every time.