August 15, 2012
Sometimes grief turns its unattractive little head around and points the finger at you. In some ways I feel like I've let my whole family down; as if somehow it's all my fault that Cora died. I know those feelings are nonsense, but like I said before, grief is unpredictable and doesn't always make good sense.
My husband lost a daughter. Our parents lost a grandchild. Our sibling lost a niece. Their kids lost a cousin. Already, Cora was so loved by everyone.
What color would her eyes have been? And would she have been musical? Athletic? Spunky? Sweet? I just want to know her! I want to hold her and rock her and give her my love. I was happy to sacrifice everything for her. My precious baby girl.
I feel like I failed Cora too. It's easy to slip into the "what ifs" and the "if only's." (Feel free to imagine a whole bunch of them being inserted here.) And if only....then she might be here!
Instead, we had this nightmarish trauma unfold.
But, I have to remind myself that Cora is in Bliss. Do I really believe that? If do really believe she is in Paradise, then I have to believe that the Lord cares for her.
Sometimes I struggle to believe God cares for me. Why would he take her?
to punish me?
to sharpen me?
to change me?
I don't like the idea that God allowed this to happen just to show me his love and comfort in deeper ways. Couldn't he have done that without taking my child?
I will never know why, and even if I did, it wouldn't ever be a satisfactory reason.
....to test my faith?
Ah...And herein lies the real problem. Honestly, I would have rather lived with my mediocre faith and had my baby than love God above all else. And that is idolatry. Period. This is where my heart gets laid bare, and it is not pretty, sweet or comfortable.
In his book, "Safe in God's Arms," John MacArthur talks about moving on in grief from asking "why" to asking "what now." If there is a "what now" for me, it is to confront this very core problem in my heart that I have not loved Him above all else. The Lord is asking me now to pour out this most precious and costly perfume, my Cora Lane, at his feet in unadulterated worship of Him alone. This truly is testing my faith.
"...for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:3-4