Friday, August 31, 2012

The Real Problem

August 15, 2012
Sometimes grief turns its unattractive little head around and points the finger at you.  In some ways I feel like I've let my whole family down; as if somehow it's all my fault that Cora died.  I know those feelings are nonsense, but like I said before, grief is unpredictable and doesn't always make good sense.

My husband lost a daughter.  Our parents lost a grandchild.  Our sibling lost a niece.  Their kids lost a cousin.  Already, Cora was so loved by everyone.

What color would her eyes have been?  And would she have been musical?  Athletic?  Spunky?  Sweet?  I just want to know her!  I want to hold her and rock her and give her my love.  I was happy to sacrifice everything for her.  My precious baby girl.

I feel like I failed Cora too.  It's easy to slip into the "what ifs" and the "if only's."  (Feel free to imagine a whole bunch of them being inserted here.)  And if only....then she might be here!

Instead, we had this nightmarish trauma unfold.

But, I have to remind myself that Cora is in Bliss.  Do I really believe that?  If do really believe she is in Paradise, then I have to believe that the Lord cares for her.

Sometimes I struggle to believe God cares for me.  Why would he take her?
to punish me?
to sharpen me?
to change me?
I don't like the idea that God allowed this to happen just to show me his love and comfort in deeper ways.  Couldn't he have done that without taking my child?

I will never know why, and even if I did, it wouldn't ever be a satisfactory reason. test my faith?
Ah...And herein lies the real problem.  Honestly, I would have rather lived with my mediocre faith and had my baby than love God above all else.  And that is idolatry.  Period.  This is where my heart gets laid bare, and it is not pretty, sweet or comfortable.
In his book, "Safe in God's Arms," John MacArthur talks about moving on in grief from asking "why" to asking "what now."  If there is a "what now" for me, it is to confront this very core problem in my heart that I have not loved Him above all else.  The Lord is asking me now to pour out this most precious and costly perfume, my Cora Lane, at his feet in unadulterated worship of Him alone.  This truly is testing my faith.

"...for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."  James 1:3-4


Anonymous said...

Joy, your story and this journey have touched so many already. We are in battle daily and you are girding yourself with the right weapons. My prayers are with you daily though i am all the way across the country. Your updates are an encouragement to me, though i have never suffered a loss like this. thank you for everything you have shared and please continue to!

doriswmincks said...

sonLnue 35etegued 7evotedn 18Thanks Joy for sharing your heart, and for sharing about God's sustaining grace through this difficult time.
Stan and I and our families fully understand loss, and continue to uphold you with our love and prayers. Doris and Stan Mincks

Blythe Owen Hunt said...

Sweet Joy, I've been perusing your blog with many tears, but this is the entry that struck a chord. Although I can't fathom your loss, I understand that question of why as well as knowing in my heart that no answer will satisfy the emptiness left there by the loss of someone you loved so dearly. It made my heart ache to see your words. I have asked God many times why he didn't choose less painful ways to accomplish his purpose. And at the end of the day, since I will never understand this side of Heaven, all I can do is trust him. Trust his love. Trust his arms around me. Thank you for sharing your heart and letting us see the beauty from the ashes. <3