One morning, back in late February, Evan and I paced and gave each other nervous looks as we waited what seemed like an eternity for a digital pregnancy test to tell us what we already suspected. And suddenly (pregnancy tests have no regard for nerves) in one instant, we both looked down and then back at each other, and big grins spread across our faces. "Yes+" is what we saw. That moment was so joyous, but no sooner had I smiled, laughed and said "Praise God" than I thought of Cora Lane. Love and loss, sweet and bitter, peace and longing, joy and pain. It's this tangled, beautiful, painful mess of life. I remember getting the positive test that told me Cora was on the way, and now she has a sibling coming. I will cherish both of these moments forever.
I have journaled since February, but for obvious reasons have not posted about my pregnancy. Now that we're feeling a little more secure and the word is out, I can share with you some of my chronicles along the way.
February 26, 2013
Just a few days ago, Evan and I found out that we're pregnant again. O Lord, have mercy. Almost seven months ago exactly, we lost Cora. It has been impossible for me to think about this new pregnancy and the precious little one growing inside without thinking of Cora and how ecstatic we were to be expecting her. I cry every time all over again.
So the fears have already started cropping up. I figure naming them is better than letting them fester. I'm afraid I won't get past six weeks....another miscarriage like the very first, before Cora even.
I'm afraid that if we do get passed the first trimester we'll lose the baby somewhere along the road.
I'm afraid of some sort of abnormality -Downs Syndrome or Trysomy- not that we would love that baby any less.
Lord, have mercy.
There are more.
What I must figure out (and this sounds awful) is - am I afraid to lose this child for the baby's sake or for fear of another broken heart? I think it's a little of both, but mostly the latter. I firmly believe that babies who die go directly to our Savior's arms, so it's not necessarily for the child I fear. I'm afraid of the engulfing and unbearable sadness and shock at losing a baby. I know it so well. It's breaks my heart and hurts my soul. I'm afraid of once again falling into that harrowing chasm of emptiness and loss. It's a selfish fear. May not be right, but it's honest.
I do know now, though, that God in his love, does not relinquish me to the depths of dark despair. He does not give me more than I can handle through his strength. But, that does not mean I don't fear going there again. And I may. The truth of the matter is that I don't know what tomorrow holds...."but I know who holds my hand."