"He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts up the needy from the ash heap,
to make them sit with princes,
with the princes of his people.
He gives the barren woman a home,
making her the mother of children.
Praise the Lord!"
Oh to be the mother of children! This desire has not waned since Cora's death. No, it has intensified. Last night I dreamt I had a son. This morning I woke with hopes for a quiver full of children! Waking up like that after weeks and weeks of sadness is a pretty big victory in the Nelson home. I know my next pregnancy, should the Lord bless us with one someday, could easily be filled with fear and anxiety. It will be hard to go through nine months knowing that again all could be lost in a moment. Yet, that too would be in God's hands. It will be scary and hard, but I do want to enter in to that battlefield. I call it a battlefield because my heart and mind will be warring to fight off fear and anxiety.
As we talk and pray about trying again, I've had to ask myself the question if I'm really ready to go there. Remembering Cora, it is difficult to imagine facing that sort of devastating pain again. But her little life, however short, was worth every tear shed upon her death. The same would be true for any sweet baby that God creates through us. My job is to be the Lord's vessel, broken as I am.
So, as I continue to daily ask myself what life would be like if we were to get pregnant again, I've projected that I will probably be faced with choosing between two attitudes:
1. "God does what he wills, and such is life...." -Grumble, grumble, hands thrown up in the air and eyes rolling...cynical and resentful.
2. "God does what he wills, but he is good...." -Prayer, prayer...trusting and peaceful.
I want to trust the Lord and rest in his peace, but I confess that cynicism and resentment are very tempting (and maybe even understandable) modes of operating. Which one honors God and holds out faith in the goodness of his character? That is the one I will choose because like all attitudes, it is most certainly a choice.
"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord,
whose trust is the Lord.
He is like a tree planted by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
for it does not cease to bear fruit."
"For he satisfies the longing soul,
and the hungry soul he fills with good things."
When the time comes -and I pray it does in God's time- I will still trust in the Lord.